"Salli and her very long knife"
By David C. Simon
It started so slowly, it started so simply
A tale of carnage, of murder and strife
The tale of a girl all smilely and dimply
Of Salli, and her very long knife
“We're leaving you home,” her parents said sweetly
“We’ve asked our dear neighbour to watch you tonight
She’s a charming young thing, named Eleanor Deeply
Oh please do be sure to treat her alright!”
T'was always the same each Saturday Night
Salli's parents would smile and run.
A movie, a play, they always took flight
Rather than share in their fun.
The sitter was young, and silly and pretty
With pigtails and nail-polish and a skirt that was plaid
The result of a cross ‘tween a care-bear and Britney
And before very long, poor Salli was mad
“Ponies and pop-stars may be your thing girly,"
Her eyes were ablaze and her hair was a-curly,
“But I have no time for your immature ways,
“So cease and desist your putrid displays!”
But the sitter just giggled and said she was cute
And the foolishnes never did cease
So Salli despaired and went to the kitchen
Hoping to there find some peace
And in that sweet sanctuary she found something which
Could fillet and sever and dice,
Which could, if well used, dispose of the witch
A very, very, very long knife.
“What have you found?” asked Eleanor brightly
“And why are you hiding in here?”
“A present for you,” she answered politely
And slit her throat, ear to ear
It worked like a charm, the sitter was quiet
Except for some gurgles and gasps
And after a few spasmodic displays
The sitter was silent at last
The rest of the night was peaceful and calm
She watched DVDs and she ate
But then they came home, her Dad and her Mum
Who had been out until very late
“What has happened?!?” Her mother cried harshly
“Why is there blood on my daughter?”
“Oh mother you fool, you gave me a sitter
whose heart was bent solely on slaughter.”
“With knives and with daggers did she come at me!
With crossbows, with maces and guns.
Her evil intent, it certainly seems
Was to eat me with salad and buns.”
“The action I took,” said Salli quite gravely
“Was awful, and I feel much regret.”
But her parents declared she had acted quite bravely
When faced with this terrible threat.
And so Eleanor’s corpse was taken and buried
And the blood was all mopped up and drained
And Mum was delighted to see that the red-wood
Was not in the slightest bit stained.
Then several weeks later the papers reported
A terrible loss in a family home
A mother and father had murdered each other
And left a sweet girl all alone.
“I’m shocked and appalled,” the article quoted
A traumatised girl, all in tears
“They both were so loving and deeply devoted
At least that was how it appeared.”
“In truth they were killers, not eminent pillars
Of society, it’s painfully clear.
They murdered my sitter, It makes me so bitter,”
And Salli then broke down in tears.
“They also disposed,” she hastened to add,
“Of the milkman, the plumber, the cat,
and that boy who would always tease me at school,
And my aunt with the silly red hat.”
And as the town wept for the poor helpless girl,
Who seemed so defenceless and nice
She smiled and playfully stroked her new friend
Her very, very, very long knife.